Thursday, 2 July 2009

Sometimes It's Not All Sunshine

"So, do you have any history of depression?"

"Does being a goth count?"

So, it's official. It's semi official, at least. I went to the doctors last week, answered some questions on a multiple choice test, and the end result is that I've been diagnosed as the proud owner of Mild Depression. This means that doctors now get to ask me whether I ever consider harming myself, or chucking myself under a train, at which case I will be deemed to have something a little more serious.

I didn't really want to go to the doctor, but was convinced to by Laura, as much to put her mind at rest as my own. There's a whole catalogue of reasons why I might have depression - debts, driving lessons, young baby, girlfriend with post natal depression, four year old who still needs attention, every day work stress, and having had a bump on the head two years ago which makes me burn out a little earlier (maybe - there's a chance it's just all the other stresses getting on top of me). They all sort of compact on each other, meaning the driving lessons start to go a bit rubbish, certain debts get overlooked, you know. It's a vicious circle.

Anyhow, last week I was told my choice was drugs or going to see someone to talk to. Drugs were immediately appealling, coming from the persepctive of some 50% of the population who don't like to get touchy feelly, who like to drown their sorrows in drink, who like to bite the bullet and hold it in and deal with it their way. Plus all the tales of celebrities bowing shuffling into counselling sessions and disappearing into a nice big house somewhere to emerge into the sunlight some time later, cured, didn't really appeal to me. It all sounded so miserably tabloid.

But, well, drugs fuck you up to, as recent news stories will tell you. And I can maybe look at the whole 'talking to someone' thing and used it for writing fodder. Rather than sticking my chin out and saying "Fuck it, I'm okay, I don't need anyone else's help," I'm sort of saying "Fuck it, I'm not okay, but neither do I need to hide this and pretend I'm too cool for school."

To be honest I'm not going to be using my Blog as a dumping ground for all the rubbish that gets dug up. I don't think I have that much to dig up. So don't worry about that. If it still bothers you, well, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Oh, and I've discovered that they're making redundancies at the company. Although we've been told the Marketing Department (and thus the Design Studio) have not been earmarked for ANY losses, the fear of scoring a hat-trick and joining the unemployed masses for the third time in just over 12 months is an ugly scenario that doesn't quite skirt my imagination. Pah!

Sometimes it's not all sunshine. But sometimes it is. That's life. Take the lows with the highs. And go enjoy the sunshine. Now.

That's an order. Doctor's orders.

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